The Last Moment of Clarity

I never quite understood the music to Warhawk.  Not until now.  I feel so alive; so part of a quest, a fight, an actual war.  Before, I thought the music was boring… dignified yet boring.  But no, I now see so much more than I’ve seen before.  You’re right there, on the front line.  Fighting the battle, sweat on your forehead, blood down your face.  You’re there….you’re really there… oh are you?  I’m also stoned out of my gourd right now and everything looks slightly slanted.  Maybe that could explain things?

So you say I need to be more open and less selfish.  That’s interesting.  I don’t know how I could possibly be more open when I’VE been the one to continuously email you and everyone else.  I’ve tried to make everyone happy.  And why, oh why, would you send me a Facebook email full of rants and the falsest accusations you could possibly come up with then deactivate your account so I can’t respond?  WTF?  I know we’re family, but wake up.  Get to know me for a minute.  Listen.  Put yourself in my shoes instead of being daddy’s favorite.  You realize you can’t talk to me like I’m YOUR younger sister.  Ahem, I’m 13 (or so) years older than you missy, show some respect.  Instead of making false accusations, ask me why I’ve done the things I’ve done that you just happen to not agree with.

Oh, I “was never there”… hmm… it was because I was WORKING.  Putting food on my table because our deadbeat dad had me working at 15 and taught me that work is more important than play.

You “try to involve me”… hmm… and when was the last time you or anyone else actually WANTED me to be a part of any of your awesome events?  I had to ASK to be invited to her wedding!

You want me to be more open, then you better damn be prepared to hear what the eff I have to say, and trust me, I have a LOT to say.  I’m done sugar coating it for you.  No more nice guy, I’ll tell it how it is.  Obviously there’s a LOT of misunderstandings.  So lay it all out there and lets see who really has the balls to speak their mind.

I’ll tell you one thing, I’m done trying to please you, trying to please everyone else and trying to please dad.  Not gonna happen anymore.  You wanna know why I wasn’t there?  It’s because I was busy fucking every guy I could get my hands on because daddy didn’t love me enough and I needed to find someone to give me attention.  Then I realized what I was doing and it depressed me so I got suicidal.  But wait, there’s more!  I hid myself behind a kick ass job so no one would know I had this fucked up mental angst against my family (or lack thereof).  The guilt I felt for leaving you and the others behind when I was 17 YEARS OLD AND IN HIGH SCHOOL to try and live a normal life.  And of course, you hold it against me.  So, I bury myself in more cock… and alcohol… and work… and a clean home… and shop until I have no money left in the bank.

There.  Is that what you wanted to hear?  Probably not.  But that’s just the tip of the iceberg daddy’s favorite girl.  Wait till you hear the other stories I have to tell.  You might just wish I wasn’t “more open”.

Oh, and the selfish part… besides your current stint in the military, how many volunteering hours do YOU have?  Yeah, thought so.  Eat it.